


I Have Been Revised

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional angst with a hopeful ending, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon Fix-It, Professor Barba, Reuniting, confessions of feelings, post-undiscovered country
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 08:44:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17680199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: It’s been a year since Sonny last saw Rafael. He decides it’s been long enough.—“I don’t even get a ‘hi’?” Sonny asks. His tone isn’t mocking, not sarcastic, it’s just barely teasing, but Rafael finally turns to face him with an unexpected, mildly pained expression and sad smile.Letting out a deep breath, Rafael sighs, “Hi.” He swallows, eyes darting between his shoes and Sonny. “I didn’t expect to see you.”





	I Have Been Revised

It’s been a year.

Twelve whole months have passed since Rafael Barba had walked away from the District Attorney’s office and out of Sonny Carisi’s life. 

Sonny hadn’t intended to let so much time escape him. Space, he’d told himself, it’d be best to give Rafael a little bit of space after everything, after West Virginia

( _“I screwed up, I know I did. I’m not asking you to forget about it but I’m asking you to forgive me when you’re ready because I’m not letting you go again without a fight.”_

_“I need you to give me time. I need space.”_ )

and all the borderline self-sabotage

( _“What’s going on with you? You’ve been off since--”_

_“Since what? Say it. Let’s see if we can get to the root of the problem, Detective.”_ )

and the trial

( _“I can’t just not be there for you.”_

_“I’m asking you to stay away. I can’t have you there, I just can’t.”_ )

and the resignation Rafael had never told him about directly. He’d learned about it from Liv the next day and Sonny can’t remember ever feeling more like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

Give him time, give him space, Sonny had thought to himself. Time and space, time and space, so much of both have been given and he’s not in any better a position for it. Eventually, he’d hoped the time and space would be good for himself, for moving on, for erasing Rafael Barba from his memory altogether; but Rafael Barba is not so easily forgettable and Sonny had known that all along. 

He’d only meant to give it a couple days at the start but a couple days had turned into a couple weeks, a couple months, and Rafael hadn’t reached out to him, either. Every time Sonny had asked Liv how Rafael was doing, she’d give him that same unimpressed look over the glasses perched on her nose and say, “He’d be better if you asked him that yourself.”

He hadn’t. Sonny doesn’t know whether he’d made the choice not to out of hurt or pure stubbornness. Maybe he’d hoped it was all one big game of chicken, Rafael would break first and then Sonny could tease him about it for the rest of their happy lives because one day, it would become an anecdote designed for people who asked them how they got together. 

He’d been wrong. It’s been agony. 

The days still feel emptier in Rafael’s absence. Sonny misses hearing that low voice, melodic in its cadence and soothing to the ear; he misses the blatant ignorance of personal space, the mutual game they’d played of toeing the line of how far they could go without making actual physical contact with each other. An accidental (or maybe not so accidental) brush of their fingers had been tantamount to sexual intimacy, the tension between them so palpable and thick, Sonny had always been near paranoid they’d be called out on it in the middle of a meeting. 

He wants that back. He can’t, he can’t have it, not what they’d had; but as he stares at a photo of Rafael on his phone, a candid one he’d taken ages ago after Arielle had ended their relationship with a single telephone call and they’d gone out for a drink together after work, Sonny thinks about what they could have now. They wouldn’t have to tiptoe around each other anymore, not with the conflict of interest keeping them apart very much out of the way. That’s hardly the only thing that’d been an obstacle, of course, they’d both made mistakes when it came to figuring out what they meant to each other, but Rafael is the one who’d walked away for good. Sonny wishes that could be enough to turn his back on this, on feelings that he’s carried with him for so many years, but it’s not so easy to turn that off. Even if he thought he could, Sonny knows he’d never be able to do it on his own. 

Closure. 

They’d never gotten it with each other. if Sonny could build up that courage, say the things he’s said to Rafael but only in dreams, he’d know for sure. He thinks he’d at least be able to find some peace. After Arielle had left him, Sonny had felt a distinct sense of relief, which in turn had spurred an onset of guilt because he knows that even when they’d been together, he hadn’t been faithful to her, not emotionally. He’s been forgiven for it in confession but that doesn’t mean he’s forgiven himself. Sonny had let Rafael get under his skin, into his heart, and even after twelve months gone, the man is still there. When he closes his eyes at night, Sonny’s mind taunts him with every manner of “what if” scenario it can come up with, and it’s not every day but it’s enough that he still looks at Stone with a faint level of resentment that should’ve retired itself a long time ago. 

It shouldn’t be this hard, Sonny thinks, but he hasn’t even been able to fully convince himself that’s the truth. Some days, he catches Liv talking to Stone with a faraway look on her face, like she knows the brick wall she’s talking to would’ve been much more pliable had it belonged to someone else. They meet eyes sometimes, a silent acknowledgement of what they’d lost passing between them, even though Sonny has never once admitted to her out loud that his feelings for Rafael have always run deeper than respect and admiration for a colleague. She’d known, she’d known for a long time, and she’s hinted to him as recently as yesterday that Rafael would probably appreciate a familiar face going to visit him. 

“The semester’s starting tomorrow at NYU,” she’d commented, and it’d sound off-handed to anyone else listening, but Sonny had known better. “He’s nervous. I’d stop over to say hello, but I’m buried in paperwork. Too bad.”

So that’s how Sonny had ended up here at NYU Law, with a paper bag filled with Rafael’s favorite Chinese take-out, the same dishes they’d shared the last time they’d dined together at One Hogan Place, poring over files for a case Sonny had proudly helped him win. The second he’d stepped foot on campus, he’d immediately felt a sense of dread so strong he’d been tempted to give up on his mission and eat the whole damn bag of food himself. He barely remembers how he’d ended up outside the doors to Rafael’s class, it’s like his feet had carried him here against his will and better judgment, but here he stands and even though he has every chance to walk away, Sonny knows there’s no going back. 

He’d hoped to slip into the lecture hall unnoticed, to remain a fly on the wall so he can observe Rafael teach because he still can’t quite picture it. Rafael Barba, the man who’d barely been able to stomach being shadowed at first, a _lecturer_? Even if he’d had no other motive for being here, Sonny would’ve come to see that alone. 

His plan is derailed by the scrape of the heavy mahogany door against old tile that prompts every head in the room to turn to look at him, some expressions noting annoyance and others relief that might’ve been a little bit hilarious if Sonny weren’t currently flushing red with mortification. His eyes search the curious faces of the students still watching him until they find Rafael, at the head of the class, sitting at the edge of his desk with his mouth forming a perfect “O.” 

This image of him is perfect. It almost makes it seem as if no time has passed at all because Sonny knows that posture, the tilt of one shoulder above the other and the quizzical expression and the way those eyes shine in the sunlight that hits him just right. 

There are hints to what’s changed, of course: Rafael’s face looks a little slimmer, Sonny notes, and the three-piece suit is absent in favor of a simple blue button-up that complements his sun-kissed skin and what looks to be a wool tie, paired with well-fitting jeans that just slightly emphasize the still present belly that Sonny has imagined exploring with his fingertips and mouth more than once. Rafael looks good, healthy, somehow better than he had since the last time Sonny had seen him. Even from the back of the room, Sonny can see the patches of gray that have grown a little longer, a little more noticeable. He looks every part the college professor, it’s uncanny, and Sonny nearly drops the paper bag of food in his hand until he manages to stop staring and slip into an empty seat. 

Rafael, for his part, manages to recover perfectly, as if Sonny’s grand entrance hadn’t affected him at all. For a moment, Sonny lets himself worry over whether there might actually be some truth to that.

“Okay, as I was saying: near the end of our semester, each of you will pair up with another student and choose a case that did not result in a guilty verdict. It’ll be your jobs to convince me of why the verdict should be overturned. I’ll only say this once: my case is off limits. Don’t be the funny guy who tries to pull it off. This project is worth fifty percent of your grade and if you try to _be_ that funny guy, you’ll be asked to leave and stay gone. I will fail you out of this class no matter how well you were doing. Are we clear on that?”

A wave of affirmative murmurs sound from the students around him but all Sonny can do is cringe, sickened by the thought of anyone trying to catch Rafael off-guard with a presentation of his own case. It’s a fair warning, one that likely needs to be given, which is disappointing in itself. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, his hand still gripping the take-out bag and now tightly enough his knuckles turn white, as he considers the fact that he has questions about the case himself that he’d never had the chance to ask. Maybe he’ll still get a chance; or maybe Rafael will just tell him to get the hell out of his face. 

“Good.” Rafael pauses, his gaze briefly landing on Sonny again before he clears his throat and pushes himself off his desk, waving a hand dismissively. “We’re running a little early but it’s the first day, I’ll be generous. First two chapters of the book by next session, be ready to discuss. Class dismissed.”

Rafael turns his back on the class and, subsequently, Sonny, who waits until the shuffling of papers turns into the shuffling of footsteps and eventually, that damn door groans back into place with the exit of the last student and they’re left alone. His back is still turned but Rafael has stopped moving, the curve of his shoulders tense, like he’s ready to turn around but can’t find the strength to do it. Pressing his lips into a thin line, Sonny makes his choice, standing from his seat and crossing the room until he’s standing close enough behind Rafael to smell the familiar scent of sandalwood and fresh soap that he hadn’t even realized he’d missed so much until right this second. 

“I don’t even get a ‘hi’?” Sonny asks. His tone isn’t mocking, not sarcastic, it’s just barely teasing, but Rafael finally turns to face him with an unexpected, mildly pained expression and sad smile. 

Letting out a deep breath, Rafael sighs, “Hi.” He swallows, eyes darting between his shoes and Sonny. “I didn’t expect to see you.”

“Today?”

Rafael shrugs. “Or ever. It’s been awhile.”

“You could’ve called.”

“You could have, too.”

“I wanted to.”

Rafael seems to take that at face value and nods. Sonny had expected more of a fight; he can’t decide yet whether or not this is better. “So did I.”

“Well, I’m here now,” Sonny says, giving the nearly forgotten bag in his hand a little shake. “I brought your favorites.”

“You remembered?”

“Of course I did.” Sonny tilts his head, searching Rafael’s eyes, though he’s not sure what he expects to find. “Rafael, of course I did. It’s been a year, not sixty.”

“A year is still a long time,” Rafael all but murmurs, turning back to the mess of folders and papers on his desk. Sonny doesn’t even understand how Rafael could’ve made such a big mess during the course of an introductory first day of class, but he doesn’t say anything about it and anyway, it’s no different than the typical state of his desk at One Hogan. He lets Rafael gather his things, watching the rise and fall and twist of his shoulders, wanting so desperately to reach out to smooth away the tension still present there. Instead, he stands still, practically holding his breath until Rafael’s briefcase is packed and there’s nothing left to do but leave. 

“My office isn’t as big as the old one was,” Rafael finally says, a small, good-natured smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. It’s familiar. The wave of relief that washes over Sonny is so strong, it nearly knocks him over. “But if you don’t mind the close quarters, I’ve got a couple hours before I need to be anywhere else.”

“Trust me,” Sonny says, “I don’t mind at all.”

—

Rafael is right, the office is smaller, much smaller, so small that Sonny isn’t even certain they’ll both fit into it comfortably until he’s found a seat in a chair close enough to Rafael’s their knees touch when they both sit. 

“Is this an office or a utility closet?” Sonny asks, laughing when he earns himself a patented eye roll. 

“I warned you,” Rafael counters, snatching the bag of food out of Sonny’s hands and setting it down on what just barely passes a desk. He removes the food from the bag item by item, inspecting every dish with a nod of approval before moving on to the next one, a line of concentration creasing his brow and his tongue just slighting protruding from between his lips. It’s a look Sonny had last seen directed at case files and with a quick glance around the office, walls lined with bookshelves already stacked ceiling to floor with various titles he barely recognizes, he’s reminded of how much Rafael’s life has changed over the last year. 

His own had felt different because it’d been lacking this man; but for Rafael, it hadn’t just been a missing few conversations. It’d been everything. 

“So how’s it going with Stone?” Rafael asks. “Liv says it took some adjusting at first but last I talked to her, it sounded like things had settled down.”

“He’s not you,” Sonny tells him simply, and the silence that falls between them both is and isn’t unexpected.

Rafael is the first to break, reaching for a pair of chopsticks as he forces a weak smile. “That’s probably for the best.”

Sonny wants to argue with that. He wants to get to his feet and shout that Rafael is wrong, that there could never be anyone like him and that’s _not_ a good thing and he shouldn’t have left the squad behind, he shouldn’t have left Sonny behind. The temptation is there, it’s strong, but it fades at the sight of Rafael’s downcast eyes and hunched shoulders. Yes, he looks good, but he also looks tired, in a different kind of way than when everything had gone down. This isn’t just fatigue, it’s a general wariness, a heaviness that Sonny isn’t sure ever really goes away.

“I’ve missed you.”

Rafael looks up sharply, chopsticks held halfway to parted lips. Sonny hadn’t meant to say it, not out loud, at least not yet. He’d come here in hopes to mend this broken thing between them, to start fresh without starting over, even it meant they’d need to move slowly. 

But he’s spent the better part of the last year denying his feelings—hell, he’s been doing that since the day they’d _met_. He’s waited too long to keep from throwing caution to the wind, he’s here now and so is Rafael, they’re together again for the first time in a long time and there’s no part of Sonny that is willing to allow Rafael to slip through his fingers a third time. 

“I try not to think about you but I do,” he says, the confession spilling out of him. 

Rafael says nothing, just calmly sets his chopsticks down, but the simple action almost makes Sonny feel like he’s on the wrong side of an interrogation room. His words come faster, as if he’s running against a clock and if he doesn’t get out everything he needs to say, Rafael will have him booted from the room without a second thought.

“We were headed somewhere, you and me, before everything went down. You can try to deny but I know you felt it, too.” Sonny pauses, realizing in the split second he does that he’s offering up Rafael the chance to put a stop to this, to keep him from humiliating himself, but Rafael only watches him with a too blank expression. “Things were messy but they were getting better. I thought they were. Then you left and you didn’t say a damn thing about it to me, Rafael. I tried to forget about you but you’re always there. Always. Sometimes I still almost dial your number to ask you about cases we’re working on, or to ask if you want me to bring you coffee, or just to tell you I’ve been thinking about you and I wish things could go back to the way they were before we stopped talking for a year.”

He’s breathing harder now, nearly out of breath from an unplanned speech that doesn’t sound as great as he’d hoped it would now that he runs it back in his head. At some point, Sonny had fixed his gaze on one of the egg rolls laid out on the table but he forces himself to look up at Rafael, his stomach churning over the thought of how horribly this could end.

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”

Sonny hears Rafael’s voice, he hears those words, but the corners of his mouth turn downward into a puzzled frown because he can’t make sense of it.

“Why the hell would you think that?” 

“Because _I_ didn’t want to see me, mostly,” Rafael admits. He bites down on his lip, so hard Sonny thinks he might draw blood, then runs a hand over his stubbled cheek. “After the trial, I realized I didn’t like the person I’d become. I felt jaded, you know? And I’ve been jaded for years but not like that. Something didn’t feel right anymore, the job didn’t give me what I needed anymore. I didn’t intend to leave at first, Sonny, I really didn't. I thought I could be the guy who stuck it out through anything but I wasn’t. I’m not. I think… I think a big part of me was too afraid to tell you that. You’ve always looked at me like I was so much more than I really am, I was too selfish to risk losing that.”

“So you just walked away?” Sonny doesn’t mean for the question to come out sounding like it does. It’s just that he hadn’t expected this, he hadn’t expected Rafael to tell him the only reason he’d left without a word was to preserve the way Sonny had viewed him. Sonny can’t deny that he’s always seen Rafael as someone larger than life, someone who’d seemed capable of anything and even when he wasn’t, he still held his head high and stayed ready to take on the next impossible task.

“I didn’t think I’d let things go between us for so long,” Rafael says. “Every time I thought about calling, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There’s so much I wanted to say to you, I still do, but I felt like a different person after the trial. I wanted to be myself for you but I didn’t know how.”

Feeling like he’d lost that drive must have been such a blow to Rafael. It hurts Sonny to know that, it makes his chest tight, makes him want to take Rafael’s hand in his own right now and god, he’s gone and done it. He’s holding Rafael’s hand and Rafael isn’t pulling away and the rest of the world seems to fade around them. Sonny traces one of the veins on the back of Rafael’s hand with his thumb, waiting for a reaction, any reaction. He’s relieved when Rafael melts into the touch, eyes fluttering shut at the first physical contact between them in over a year. It’s more satisfying than anything Sonny could have hoped for in making this trip. If nothing else, this moment is worth it all.

“I couldn’t let another _day_ go by without seeing you,” Sonny tells him. He watches Rafael’s bottom lip tremble then steady. “I came because I thought maybe we could both get some closure but come on, Rafael. Nothing’s changed, not really, not between us. Nothing’s ever going to change. I am always going to want you.”

Rafael sighs, though there seems to be a spark of hope behind his uncertainty. “So what, you want to start over?”

“No,” Sonny tells him, ignoring the flicker of disappointment in Rafael’s eyes. “No, Rafael, I want to pick up where we left off. I don’t need to start over, I already know how exactly I feel about you. What I want to do is take you out then take you home with me so I can make sure you know, too.”

A smile blooms over Rafael’s face, reaching his eyes and making him look ten years younger in no time at all. He nods, squeezing Sonny’s hand. “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that.”

“I think I do,” Sonny says, brushing his lips over Rafael’s knuckles. “So let’s not waste any more time.”

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wasn’t going to post this here but Tumblr was being a butt with formatting so I’m adding it here, too.
> 
> This is actually something I partly wrote and never finished after The Undiscovered Country and right before I started writing my Never Been Kissed AU. If you’ve read that, you might be able to tell where some of the overlap was when it comes to Professor Barba but I figured I’d rework and add stuff to finish this piece for the prompt fill (“Sonny and Rafael are reunited after a long time apart“). I hope you enjoy it!


End file.
